Mexico complete. Job hunt continues. I'm exhausted.

A few days ago I landed back at Gatwick after a week in the Mexico sunshine with four girlfriends. I realised on the train home it was the first time (in what felt like forever) that I was on my own and could properly reflect on the experience.

To avoid the length of this post spiralling into orbit I thought it best to summarise my experience in a short, concise sentence, as it turns out surviving an all inclusive trip to Cancun was/is the least of my worries.

In short, I smashed it. Over seven months sober and not even one tiny desire to get back on the booze. Even when I accidentally took a sip from my friend's vodka-fuelled diet coke (despite the barman reassuring me it was only a diet coke as I ordered) I momentarily freaked but regained control and took myself home. I didn't stay and think, 'fuck it, I've had a taste now let's get back on it' which is absolutely what the old Em would have done and did do on countless occasions. I became upset, understandably, and quickly started to hate the environment I had put myself in. So I left, went back to the hotel and was asleep by the time the rest of my mates fell through the door steamed out of their heads.

It was a brilliant week and a major challenge overcome, but now I'm home I've realised my anxiety is through the roof. Now more than ever I want a drink.

It's strange, because in Mexico my desire to drink was zero despite being constantly surrounded by alcohol and drunk people. But now, home, and back at my desk, I'm realising that one of my most hated triggers has resurfaced and is driving me mad with worry.

For the past three years I've run my own events company but essentially operated as a freelance consultant within that period. I don't employ anyone else, it's just me, and it's been that way since I left my old PR agency in 2016. 

I love what I do but at the moment I'm not bringing in enough money working for clients on a retainer basis, and given we'll be re-mortgaging our house this September to raise money to complete the renovation it's really important my earnings are good. And by good I mean at least triple what I'm paying myself now. 

So I've made the decision to go back into full-time permanent employment and make the company dormant. I thought I'd be more down about it but actually I'm a little relieved. Running a business is really tough and I couldn't be more over living off a shitty wage. Plus with Brexit and the recent uncertainty of the British economy people are simply tightening their belts. And yep, in my line of work a glamourous event or well thought-out PR campaign is certainly a disposable thing.

I've been on the job hunt since November so for essentially three months now and have had four interviews. The first I got down to the final two and they decided to give the job to the other person as they had industry experience I just couldn't compete with. The second two I hated and wouldn't have accepted even if I was offered (which I wasn't in the end). And the fourth. Well, that happened yesterday and is the sole reason for me wanting to dive head first into a beer bottle. 

It's because I absolutely loved the interview, loved the company and can really see myself doing well in this job. I told myself to not get too 'emotionally attached' but it's difficult not to when you're so into something. I'm a huge obsesser and have been my whole life. In love, clothing, food...and previously booze. If I'm craving something I need to scratch the itch otherwise I'll drive myself crazy. Em want. Em have. Ug.  

So yeah. The interview. 24 hours have passed and I've received an email from my recruitment agent saying her client has one more interview to conduct on Thursday then he'll be making his decision Friday/Monday. Great. I am literally going to have the week from hell until I hear.

I really want this job but given the above I'm convinced I now won't get it. If they felt the way I do about them surely they'd bin off the final candidate and offer me the job right now? Or maybe there's someone they prefer already and I'm not even in the running?

Argh. The interviewing game is horrific. And what is the one thing I used to do when the going got tough at the office? Have a huge, fat glass of wine. 

Typically I'd arrange to meet a girlfriend, usually Sam, and would pummel a pack of 20 while guzzling vino after vino to try and suppress the stress. Obviously a great move at the time but this behaviour would often lead to a stinking mid-week hangover and depression worse than death. 

So today, Tuesday, two days until Thursday when someone else may or may not steal my dream bloody job, I'm thinking about the taste of wine and how the first few sips seemed to make everything else just seem....better.

I hate that I feel this way but I need to write about this. I'm fully consumed with black clouds and my thoughts are occupied entirely by drink. My chest feels like it's being crushed and exploding all at the same time. 

The reason I've worked myself up so much about this job is because it really is perfect. Good pay, great location, amazing travel prospects and really well-suited to my skill set. I know there's a chance I could still be offered the position but lets look at the facts: They're seeing another candidate which to me translates as they're either shit hot on paper or the company is seeking more than what I can offer. and two. I've been rejected three times before and it'll probably happen again. My interview is going to be eclipsed by some freak unicorn candidate and I'll be back to square one. 

And square one is terrifying because I'm simply running out of time to source a job that I can grow to love, which pays well and that I've done for six months minimum (including any jarring probation periods) before producing my pay slips to the bank for our re-mortgage. I just don't think I'll find something that tops this role if I don't get it.

But as I've said, the above factors make me feel a lot less confident about being offered the position so I need to get my head back in gear and begin to rationalise my options. Or should I say option, singular, which is to dust myself off and start all over again.

And despite my booze demon, Blix, begging me to have a drink to make the pain and torment disappear I know it won't fix anything. Even if there was the guarantee of 'sip this and you'll get the job'... would I do it....? Probably not. As it would simply be the beginning of the end again.    

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so we'll wait and see. I really, really pray that some good news lands soon though. These black clouds are all consuming and I really *really* need some light to break through.