A few weeks ago I posted about my Nan's lengthy illness and battle with cancer. It's been a few days since her passing and I feel just about strong enough to write about it now.
Let's cut to the chase. My previous coping mechanism has always been alcohol.
Emotionally good: let's get drunk and celebrate. Emotionally bad: let's get drunk and forget about it. Any time I needed to accommodate or cope with my emotions I'd uncork the vino and unleash hell.
When my mum called to let me know my Nan had died I was watching my brother speed around Goodwood Racetrack with my dad. We gifted him a track day for his 60th birthday and we were enjoying our Friday afternoon in the glorious sunshine - it was perfect. After my mum hung up the phone I stared into space for roughly 10 minutes before making my way down the viewing platform to meet my bro. Not wanting to ruin the day for my dad, I waited for a discreet moment before sharing the news alone with Dean.
We decided to tell dad when we got home and subsequently cancelled the birthday dinner we had planned to go and spend time with my mum instead. My parents are divorced and hate each other but dad understood, naturally.
We made it over to mums and sat on the sofa. Being her usual hospitable self she began to reel a drinks menu longer than the Covent Garden Cocktail Club. With every suggestion my brain responded: Nope. Definitely not. Could you imagine what that would do to you? Disaster written all over it. Alcohol is poison. Don't make this day any worse. Stay strong you twat.
I didn't expect this if I'm brutally honest. I thought I'd go easy on myself, dive headfirst into a bottle of rum and drink for the remainder of the weekend because I was grieving. I was allowed. Yet despite the day being a continuous fog of pain, my only clear and recurring thought was do.not.drink. Whatever you do Em, do not drink.
It seemed at my most vulnerable hour, some Gandalf-esque saviour had swooped into my brain and decided to paralyse Blix. He was deadly quiet and it unnerved me somewhat. Had a new character just entered stage right? Protector of the tee-total realm? My new sober wizard?
We talked and cried until it was late and we couldn't do it anymore. I got into bed that night and woke up the next morning not knowing how and when my head hit the pillow. I'd blacked out but this time from emotional exhaustion. The first thing I did the morning after my Nan's death was check-in with my Nomo app. As the screen flashed 'day 88, well done!' I burst into tears of relief.
Day 88 could have easily been day one. A day riddled with guilt and anxiety. A day spent curled up in a ball with a screaming headache and hangover from hell. Blix whispering from within, 'Don't feel bad dear. Nanny's dead, you deserved a drink last night. It helps with the pain. Go pour yourself another, no point staying sober now is there?'
But it's not day one. It's my 88th consecutive day of sobriety and yes, I'm terribly emotional and numb from the pain but none of that is self inflicted. My heart is broken but my head is in one piece. My nan couldn't even drink water during her final hours of survival, so abusing my health with a poisonous substance is genuinely the last thing I want to do right now.
If there's any advice I can give at this stage of sobriety its don't feel like you 'deserve it'. Ever. Tragedy triggers very real yet irrational emotions, which can ultimately trick you into behaving a certain way because you think or feel you need to. Sabotage disguised as sympathy. Destruction dressed as compassion... A glass of wine camouflaged as relief.
What I'm trying to say is if - like the old me - you feel that drink is the only medicine, and you deserve said medicine because of the trauma you're experiencing then please please know it won't fix a thing. Your heart will still ache and your eyes will still leak, and alcohol will not make you feel any better about the situation.
What will make you feel better is waking up to another day sober and remembering to take every day as it comes. The clarity will ease the grief and you will have something good and real to focus on in times of absolute darkness.
My Nan wouldn't want me to fail, so for her I'm staying strong and getting through this the best way I know how - by focussing on the light and keeping this journey as painless as possible. I just wish the same could have been true for my Nan. RIP beautiful soul. x
No comments:
Post a Comment