So I know I've alluded to this on a few occasions now but with 10 days to go I need to get this weight off my chest. Or at least try.
Roughly eight months ago and before I quit drinking, my friends and I decided to book an all inclusive trip to Mexico to celebrate one of my best friends getting married. We're throwing her an official hen party in London this Saturday but wanted something a little more...extra.
We managed to get a great all inclusive deal at one of Cancun's most popular 'group' hotels and I can't quite believe we fly next Saturday. I'm obviously looking forward to the holiday but so much has changed since we booked.
Firstly, the trip is less than a month away from my friend's wedding and I'm a bridesmaid. The dress is super tight and really unforgiving so forget the standard all inclusive food blowouts and week-long grazing. I'll have to stick to the fresh fish and salads to keep on track with the size eight bridal diet!
And secondly, and my more pressing concern, is my drinking. Or lack of. Aside from spending a week in Majorca with my husband in July this will be the first time I have undertaken a 'proper' long-haul holiday sober. It's not a secret, my friends know I haven't been drinking, but really? One week in Mexico - all inclusive and fuelled by booze - am I actually going to cope with this one?
The way I'm feeling now reminds me of two previous occasions where panic took over and I couldn't think of anything else except failure. Getting off the plane in Majorca and realising I was stepping into something completely new and unknown (i.e. my first sober holiday with Rob) and secondly, my recent trip to Jersey when I was verging on a panic attack from the thought of meeting an old friend for drinks yet they didn't know I'd given up drinking.
Both occasions turned out to be OK, I didn't die, but it seems I've got no better at compartmentalising my fear and stamping out my inner booze voice. Blix is in full swing this week - back with a vengeance after a seemingly dormant couple of months. 'Em, just driiiiink! You'll be in Mexico and everyone will be drinking except you! They will think you're so boring! You will have the worst time!'
These words have been on repeat in my head since the turn of the New Year when Mexico hype started to increase in our group chat. At one stage I even had to ask my friend to stop asking me if I was going to drink. She felt really bad and apologised, but then I felt even worse for asking her to stop asking me! Stupid really, but I couldn't bare another booze-related question fired at me.
I get it though, because before I quit drinking I was exactly that person. For example for my hen party back in 2015 nine of us flew to Vegas for five nights. It was incredible, however one of my friends was five months pregnant and I was constantly worried about her enjoyment levels. I genuinely couldn't understand her wanting to come if she couldn't have a drink? What was the point in doing Vegas if you're not going to have a drink? That's what I thought all day everyday.
And how sad is that? Because now I realise she came because she loved me, and she was/is my friend, and wanted to come on my hen party and enjoy Vegas just as much as everyone else. Sure, there were a few occasions where she called it an early night, but seriously - I couldn't believe just how brilliant she was looking back. At the time I just cared about being able to drink and no other thoughts crossed my mind. I know it was my hen do but still. I was there but completely absent minded - story of my life.
So Mexico. Less than two weeks. Next Saturday. 10 days away. Eeep. The other day I started to Google the hotel facilities as I became freaked out about the concept of no gym as I've been told solo road running in Mexico isn't exactly a safe thing to do, obvs. Turns out the gym overlooks the beach and has a selection of treadmills, cross trainers and weights to keep me busy. This is good news as I love a fresh start and early morning gym session on holiday. I know there are people out there that will think I'm absolutely insane saying that, but waking up in a hot country with nothing to do except exercise, swim and tan hugely appeals to me.
So I guess this is part of my Mexican sober mission, focus on the balmy early mornings and crashing waves while working out. One of my favourite bloggers, Girl and Tonic aka @laurievmcallister, was holding a Q&A on her Instagram the other day and I asked her for advice on tackling the trip six months sober. She reminded me that I'm sober for me because it's the right thing for me, and to of course get stuck into the amazing freshly-made alcohol-free cocktails.
Her advice helped me to remember that yes, I have made the decision to be sober because alcohol literally ruins my life, but I think my game plan needs to extend beyond mocktail hopping. I'm secretly hoping my friends will want to talk about my non-drinking as I'm prepared more than ever to discuss the reasons behind my decision to quit alcohol.
A lot of them know I've been over booze for some time, but out of the girlfriends I'm going to Mexico with only one of them knows the extent of my drinking habits. Perhaps it will come up in conversation, perhaps it wont, but at least I feel a lot more prepared (and comfortable) talking about my sobriety now.
Plan of attack? I'm thinking one day at a time. Or #ODAAT as coined by social media. It really is the only approach as over thinking it will get me nowhere. Actually it will probably bring me back to the verge of full-scale breakdown and we know (from Majorca and Jersey experiences) that this isn't a fun place to be by any means.
I guess sobriety is a constant work in progress, and even though I'll hit my seven months alcohol-free anniversary the day before we fly I'm still very aware of the traps I could easily fall into. A part of me still wants to consider getting on board with the girls, sinking multiple Coronas and countless cocktails and fags like the good 'ol days. But where will that scenario actually take me? I'll just end up getting wasted, won't be able to make it through the night, will go to bed early and wake up with a raging hangover and will actually want to die. The failure and disappointment would kill me.
So that is the thought I'll be keeping in my mind as I make it through one day at a time - the sliding door alternative universe. The hell hole that is a life with booze. And if I do it and decide to drink I wont be able to leave my decision making behind in Mexico. Oh no. I'll bring that demon on the plane home with me and I'll find myself back at square one. Back at sober day one in a dark, damp, rainy UK. It simply can't happen.
Since writing this post I actually feel better about the whole situation knowing I have a small yet significant plan of attack. And if I'm getting tetchy I'll just go for a swim...apparently the hotel boasts the longest swimming pool in Cancun at a quarter of a mile long. I'm pretty sure swimming the length of that will help me to forget about the grog.
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