For the past couple of years I've desperately tried to cut out alcohol and my efforts have always been thwarted. By default I would find a reason to return to booze and lie to myself and others about why I was (repeatedly) off the wagon. If Rob made a comment about me being back on the wine I'd reply defiantly 'Yeh but...'
Yeh but I haven't had a drink since XXX. Yeh but I have so-and-so's birthday this weekend and how am I supposed to do that sober? Yeh but I've had a really stressful day at work. Yeh but we're meeting blah blah for dinner and I want to enjoy myself. Yeh but it's Thursday. Yeh but it's Wednesday. Regurgitate for infinity.
Looking back, the above reasons were irrelevant. They were just wafflings making me feel momentarily better and justified while booze continued to tighten its grip.
So today is my 62nd day of no hangovers and consistent sobriety = my biggest achievement in the sober scheme of things. Whoop!
For years I've been play fighting sobriety and would ALWAYS tap out after the first serious punch. Corr that was a boring week, let's go for a drink to celebrate. I would diligently agree with Blix and reach for the wine to normalise.
P.s guys, this is a picture of Blix, my booze demon. Hideous, isn't he? He's from the film Legend...it's one of my childhood classics but as a kid, this fellow terrified me more than Tim Curry (who is by far the scariest and most convincing devil to ever be depicted through the medium of cinema, just saying).
I always thought it would take something major for me to give up alcohol. Like a life-threatening disease or....a life threatening disease. This time two months ago I had no idea this would be the start of something permanent for me (but I did know, deep down in my bloated wine gut, that something was different this time).
I wish I could say it's been brilliantly smooth and I've faced zero temptation along the way, but at times it's been hard - like, really hard - and I've had to fight hard to make it to another sober morning. Yep, hard.
Like only last Thursday when we had friends over for dinner and I was feeling fine about it, no big deal. I bought myself a bottle of alcohol-free wine as I knew our pals would come armed with some nice strong red - my weakness. So it was fine, all good, I was prepped for it. We cheers'd in the kitchen and I carried on cooking while Rob entertained in our make-shift dining room.
We were about to tuck into dinner and I'd nipped into the kitchen to sort some top ups and quickly found myself in a rather difficult sitch. Instead of grabbing both bottles, my wine and Becky's delicious Tuscan red, hers was the only one in both of my hands (I was clutching it like a hot chocolate...) and it was lingering dangerously close to my mouth. I couldn't help but take a deep sniff which sent my stomach and heart into overdrive.
It was as if I'd given Blix a tablespoon of crack. I could feel him crawling out of my eyeballs while scratching furiously at the bottle. Drink it you stupid bitch! Quick! No one will find out!! Ever! Gimme!
My knee jerk reaction was to shout for Rob. He came bouncing round the corner like the big Andrex puppy he is and checked if all was OK. 'Yeah fine, except can you make sure you keep on top of everyone's drinks tonight as I'm busy with the food and need a hand'.
'Sure babe, no big deal' and with that he scooped up the wine without a care in the world and bounced back to our friends. I shut my eyes, took a few deep breaths (of air this time) and downed a glass of water. The rest of the night was a real struggle and the pressure crept up on me like a lion stalking it's prey.
Sobriety is unpredictable and unless you prepare for its unpredictability (if that makes any sense) it can really feck with your intentions. Here are a few things I've learnt so far about social situations in early sobriety (and I'm sure this list will grow over the next few months):
- Avoid pouring other people's drinks. It's too tempting and even sniffing the booze was too big a risk for me. Make it someone else's responsibility or get your friends to self-serve.
- Make sure you're prepared going into high pressure social situations. Take a suitable drink (and good quantities) with you or make damn sure you have something in your cupboards (just for you) if you're hosting people who will be drinking. Without my non-alcoholic red wine I don't think I would have made it through last Thursday.
- Just don't host. Simple as that. If it wasn't for this dinner being in the diary for months I wouldn't have organised the thing. Two months is just too early for me, so I'm making a conscious effort to swerve the responsibilities now. Until I feel calm and ready.
And I've found it's not the time of day that really matters (and that probably says more about my frequency of drinking more than anything)! As long as you've got something going on that doesn't revolve around other people getting on it, it really truly does help.
- Stay active and venture outdoors. In times of stress and boredom I've gone hiking, running and walking (just a stretch to your local coffee shop is enough to give your brain a gentle pat on the back). The simple act of physical movement is like wizardry for me. I'm responding really well to it (and I swear my legs are looking a bit more toned too)!
- Suggest weekend plans to your family, friends or partner that are equally fun without booze, like bowling, the cinema or a picnic (if the weather permits... I am severely disadvantaged here as I'm British). I am still finding restaurants really hard to deal with so I'm wide berthing these for now.
- See all the kids! I'm lucky enough to be the Aunt of two amazing and hilarious nieces who are four and two-years-old. I don't have kids (yet, fingers crossed) so I tend to have more free time at the weekends now I'm not hammered or being suffocated by a hangover. So I'm offering more of my time to my brother and his fiance and filling it with glorious Niece time. The innocent little nuggets remind you just how mega life is without booze.
- If you're openly not drinking in front of your other half then maybe ask them to not drink around you if you're finding it tough at home, especially at the weekends. I haven't asked this of Rob yet but I'm thinking about it. I imagine it makes movie nights on the sofa a hell of a lot more bearable and the odd night off isn't going to kill them! I'm not suggesting you turn your home into a booze free zone, but at times when you are both spending time together i.e. watching a film or eating dinner a little collective sobriety may be a great thing.
As I write this it's Saturday night circa 9.30 p.m., I'm freshly bathed, make-up off and about to sink into Dan Brown's latest offering as I finished Clare Pooley's book last night and have a serious hankering for something completely made-up (so I can finally stop girl-crushing on her brilliance).
I'm home alone, Rob is out watching England vs Spain UEFA Nations League game and I'm so utterly happy that not one fibre of my being is pining after booze. My decaf almond milky coffee is warming me up a treat and my body is satisfyingly achey from hockey (yup, I'm playing hockey again but that little development deserves a standalone blog all on it's own).
Life is really good and I think this may be my first taste of those 'pink clouds' all my new sober heroes have been talking about. How lush.
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