It's been far too long since my last post - half deliberate, half by accident as I got swept away by the Christmas festivities and chaos.
We hosted both Christmas Day and Boxing Day this year for two lots of family, so as you can imagine I didn't leave myself with much alone time to write and collect my thoughts. I could have broken away in hindsight - and definitely should have - but I was too caught up in making bread sauce and steering clear of the danger juice.
But now, as we're on the 4th of Jan (how is it 2019 already!), I sit here at my make shift breakfast bar (a bistro table, to be precise) sipping a freshly made matcha latte (yes, I spent far too much on the new Tea Pig sachet range at Waitrose) and I feel somewhat....relieved.
Relieved because this (last?) Christmas was my first sober, ever, in the history of my long drinking dramas. Previous years have seen me incapable of moving come December 25th due to week-long hangovers, battling bugs and germs incurred as a result of repeat 3.00 a.m. benders and just general debauchery sponsored by booze and shit decision making.
I know a lot of people have been giving advice on 'how to combat your first Christmas as a sober person' (trust me, I've read them all), but as I entered the festive period not really knowing what to expect, I decided to keep my head down and wade through the pressures alone and as best I could. It felt like the right thing to do.
My only slip up? Accidentally eating a mulled wine chocolate liquor as I perused the aisles of Hotel Chocolat searching for a 'Happy Birthday' slab to buy my Dad. The antichrist was born on Christmas Day so this leaves me with even more presents to buy at a particularly pricey time of year. Selfish goat.
As the shell popped in my mouth I quickly realised that the shop assistant failed to mention the chocolate contained alcohol - something I should have been hot on, naturally - but the thought didn't even cross my mind until I was swallowing the coarse liquid and pretending I liked it. What I should have done was highlight how irresponsible they were for not making it clear their samples contained booze. But I didn't want to this time. The poor squirt looked barely 18 and 'tis the season etc. etc.
Aside from this minor blip I cruised through advent strong and sober, making sure our plans were focussed on seeing friends and family at our home and theirs instead of picking a pub and inviting people to join (December 2017 was rife with this type of behaviour - mainly so I could find any excuse to guzzle 'but its Christmas' bevvies).
The stress hit me when the hubby and I were prepping on Christmas Eve. The house was calm, shopping put away and we were quietly rolling pigs into their blankets when an old habit surfaced. This type of activity should absolutely be accompanied by a good glass of red, surely? It's Christmas...I'm nearly six months sober....I can treat myself...?
Well, we all know this type of decision making will lead me straight back to sober day one which is a place I can never afford to be again so I shrugged off the bad vibes and topped up my sparkling water. Enter good thoughts centred on zero embarrassing drunk behaviour and big fat zero stinking hangovers.
And that's what my Christmas was made of. Yes it was pure stress, when isn't hosting family, but it was stress delivered with absolute clarity. My step-mum (the one who gripped my arm at a family gathering back in October and begged for my sobriety not to be permanent) even went as far as to avoid buying me champagne truffles (something she does every year) as she thought I'd prefer a different type this year. That little gesture was quite lovely.
And how everyone respected that our house wouldn't be full of booze this year because of...well...me! So they were kind enough to bring their own drinks and take them home once the parties were done and dusted. I know my approach to becoming tee-total (I may stop using this word you know, I just don't like it) has been a slow drip-feed to select family and friends since I quit alcohol in July, but Christmas made me realise just how conscious everyone is of my abstinence now. It was actually amazing and hugely empowering.
Even my oldest booze-hound school friend Kate went out of her way to find me delicious and interesting soft drinks when Rob and I visited for dinner mid-December. People's early support and kindness really put my mind at ease and actually made the whole festive period a lot easier than I thought it would be.
I held a lot of conversations about my non-drinking obviously, mainly as people were so curious about my coping with it all at Christmas. Yes, I can see how December is a more 'stressful-than-usual' time to be sober but in all honesty I believe that success and failure rates lie solely with the individual. What I mean by this is...this: If you enter any situation with a strong and determined mind-set then you are more likely to succeed. Tackle a party with the tiniest tolerance of 'maybe having just one' then that's it - you're out - unless you can bring your mind-set back to strength and positivity.
Yes it's normal to have 'what if' thoughts, like I did mid-piggy wrapping, but they're only a result of my mind wandering during menial tasks. I entertain them for a brief while but my sensible sober brain soon kicks them out. And it's like with any hobby or training, the more you do it the better you get at it.
So the more firm and assertive you are when saying 'no I don't drink', or whatever it is you reply to people who ask, the easier it will be to get through the event you're tackling sober. And trust me when I say, treat everyday with the same 'day-by-day' approach you would normally. Christmas can become entirely overwhelming which is why so many people flick the 'fuck it' switch and have a drink. Don't think about it as 'Christmas' or 'December' or the period where it's acceptable to get off your tits everyday. Just look at the date as a day. Just a day. No big deal. And if you're a child like me and still have an advent calendar at the age of 31 then eat a chocolate every morning in celebration of banking another sober day.
Sobriety is all in the mind-set - and if you have a clear and low-pressure strategy (i.e. the day-by-day approach) from the outset I'm sure you'll have a higher success rate of staying sober during the more difficult boozier times - like Christmas, birthdays, weddings, holidays etc.
I'm chuffed I've completed my first Christmas sober but I do feel like I'm riding a bit of a 'pink cloud' wave at the moment - so maybe that's why I feel like I've cruised through December and New Year (with the exception of the car breaking down as we arrived at my friends NYE party, that was embarrassing!).
But equally I do feel stronger and more experienced now, and mostly excited for my six month sober chip to land in a few days on January 8th. I've got positive vibes for the year ahead, here's hoping for a smooth start!
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