A time for reflection

This time last year I was in town at an event pumped with complimentary champagne. The celebration was at London's Natural History Museum and I didn't have a plus one, so the only way to survive the evening was to turn up tipsy and leave drunk, without (hopefully) making a tit of myself. Take full advantage of the free Champagne, Em, obviously.

There's no real 'oh my God' scandal with this story but I've been thinking about it a lot recently so decided to share my thoughts. I guess it's because of just how different I am, a year on and almost five months sober.

In truth I thought I was living the dream. Invited to a highly exclusive event to drink the finest fizz and sample world class cuisine? Bit of me! But underneath the excited and slightly nervous exterior was an addict preparing for lift off.

A) I was alone, no plus one. Despite feeling slightly on edge about this I turned it into a positive. No one to keep track of the drinks I was putting away. I could chug as many as I wanted without receiving judgment or rudely out-drinking my counterpart. Big plus.

B) I could buy a fresh packet of cigarettes and smoke as many as I liked. This would give me something else to do between lapping the bar and small talk.

C) I ensured I got the train so the free bar was mine. Mine for the taking.

Never at any stage did I stop to think how the evening could benefit me commercially, or how I could use this as a chance to network my ass off among some hugely influential and very affluent people. Nope, I just thought about the booze. Priority numero uno.

Roughly 20 minutes into my arrival I was two flutes and a cigarette in. By the fourth flute and second cigarette I was tipsy verging on drunk but still able to speak without slurring my words. This usually kicked in around the 7/8 drink mark so I needed to ensure I found the host to thank him before I had too many.

Luckily I did, but I was six flutes in by this stage and had only digested nicotine. The evening food was fiddly to hold so I decided to allocate my hands to my clutch bag and Champagne glass instead. Eating was hassle so I binned it off.

Roughly an hour and a half into the night I spotted my colleague, the host, and shuffled into his line of sight. We managed to hold a momentary chat and I thanked him for the invitation. Job done, he saw me, now lets get some more booze in me before heading home. As the conversation came to a close he shook my hand and leaned in slightly. 'Emily, you're a beautiful lady but cigarettes will ruin you.' He then smiled and bid me a good night. I nervous laughed, smiled back and stepped aside to let him pass.

Bollocks. Anyone else and I wouldn't have cared about a comment like that but this guy was important. I wanted to impress him and I clearly failed. I dusted myself off and went back to the bar before heading outside to smoke another. I smell now so may as well keep going.

It also occurred to me I hadn't checked my make-up in a while (having been occupied by the free bar and all...) so I whipped out my compact to find mascara smudges under my eyebrows and a huge eye bogey escaping my left peeper. Reeking of fags and looking like shit, strong look. 

It was a dismal performance and I left with absolutely nothing accomplished. But this didn't phase me. Why would it? I stepped into the cold London air pissed as a fart and en route to Waterloo where M&S gins in tins would be waiting for me. Two free bottles of Moet consumed and an hour train ride home for me to sink a few more bevs. Perfection.

Until my hangover arrived the next morning. It was raging. So I gave myself the day off and didn't achieve anything for the rest of the week.

The event is taking place again this Thursday and I received my invitation last week, which is why I've been thinking about it so much and whether or not it will be a good idea to go (with alcohol and cigarettes off limits I'm working myself up over the type of experience I'll have). I wont have something to do when the chats dry up and I'm left holding an orange juice.

It shouldn't even be a question really. To make the guest list at an event like this is a huge deal, but here I am weighing up whether I should go because it'll be different without booze or fags. I will have to be present and occupy my time another way. I will have to do the event...properly.

The conversations I'm having with myself seem crazy but I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to see this one through. Blix, my booze demon, is cranking the anxiety dial up day by day - but I'm hoping there's still time for me to calm down, make a plan and do the right thing: attend.

Let's hope my previous post can inspire me to tackle this one head on. I really hope so.